Uneven couples?

Many patients consult me ​​for having “consumed information” on the web, through psychological posts and memes, about supposedly true information about relationships. These are ideas, concepts and images that go viral or are replicated in a massive way through social networks, blogs, emails and pass from person to person.

On many occasions, these information units that are massively shared on social networks talk about experiences that theoretically happen to many people, raising doubts about whether this is happening to us without us even realizing it. In some cases, it sets off alarms in some homes, and leads one to think ... should we consult with specialists?

Academic concepts appear in popular knowledge, loose, decontextualized and with forceful power: "That's what happens to me!" "So is my partner!" "Ours is toxic!" The "Science" says it, the "specialists" explain it. Symptoms, standardized diagnoses and, of course, efficient treatments are offered within our reach. Once the poison of "wisdom" is instilled, it stings and seeks an antidote.

The decision to go to couples therapy

The decision to start couples therapy is made in most cases when communication failures, project incompatibilities, differences perceived as irreconcilable, mistrust, feelings of loneliness and falling out of love are recorded. Fights, silences, distancing appear, while sexual desire decreases or disappears.

The problem is that the antidotes are too many and all with promise of healing or salvation. The question arises as to which will be the best, the only one capable of freeing us from this disorder, from that toxic relationship, from mistreatment and emotional dependencies. We must decide which one suits us, which one will help us to “save” the couple or to solve our conflicts.

It is perfectly understandable that we look for alternative solutions when sadness gains ground, forces falter, responses seem exhausted from using them so much. But we must make the effort to explain with our words the problem that afflicts us. A serious mistake is made when conflict is reduced by applying a "psi" lexicon or by referring to uncertain hormonal or neuronal disorders.

Talking with psychiatric or psychological terminology does not help, on the contrary, it closes with a denomination, what could be said in a unique and particular way in the words of the client. If professionals respond by quickly accepting the knowledge brought into consultation, we would be validating external diagnoses and we would be subject to proposing the corresponding treatment. This is generally carried out by the medical model (disease / treatment), but with the singularity of the subject (one by one) it does not work the same.

Finding the causes of the problem

Psychoanalysts have a reputation for listening and not rushing answers. It will be because to analyze is to think in detail, reflect, decompose into its parts to obtain causes and effects. The challenge is to make the passage of the saying "it is toxic, it is jealous obsessed, it manipulates me, etc." when saying of each one. This requires a time of commitment and acceptance of the possibilities within our reach. Discovering how much we can gives us an idea of ​​the value appropriate to our circumstances.

Humans depend on others. The first nutritional and personal care functions are carried out by adults called mom, dad, grandparents, etc. Throughout life we ​​learn to live, to relate through our closest beings, family members, school and / or sports environments. They "love" us through their teachings, advice, warnings and urge us to respond with good behavior, with efforts, and achievements among many other things. We are the result of their beliefs, their traditions, their fears and expectations.


When you reach adulthood, you have the choice. Culture allows the encounter (bond / wedding / sexual union) with someone outside our “tribe” (without blood ties / prohibition of incest) to build a bond where they can unite the sexual or erotic current with the tender or loving in a same person. We will call this lucky person "My partner".

In the best of cases arrived at this stage we will have a fairly defined idea of ​​the type of link we want to have with another. How they should take care of us, respect, accompany, tolerate and support us. That is, there is an idea of ​​what we are willing to give and what we want to receive. Reciprocity, correspondence, equality are terms that we use to pose serious and lasting relationships.

See yourself reflected in the mirror of the relationship

What we are (or think we are) is reflected in the way of "giving" to the other: "I give myself, I open myself, I suffer, I resign while you don't." What we receive is perceived in a different way, it may be overvalued or underestimated and in comparison doubts appear regarding the values. Who loves more? Or who does it better? I listen to him, I understand him / her he / she should ... If I worry so much at least ... If I go astray then I wait ...

The parity, equality or absolute equity between two different people (it is not a question of gender) is an impossible that humans rationalize but do not elaborate. Convenience is the order of the day. What do I get if I am with this person? Will I be able to count on her in the future? And the sons?

Couples therapy is a research paper. The analyst circulates the "communication" and can help each member to discover the effect of their words, reactions and gestures, while promoting understanding by relating the past to the present moment and recognizing unconscious pacts and fantasies. The objective is to promote security and empathy to be able to observe what is happening to them in a different way.

It involves an openness to explore the particular attachment relationships that come into play in the relationship by facilitating the processing, regulation and integration of the emotions that are activated in it. Without the desire and commitment to make a problematic relationship more pleasant, or to understand in a more friendly way for both of them what causes them discomfort in the relationship, in order to make any change in this regard, it seems an unfeasible undertaking to propose couples therapy, being then the individual approach is recommended.

Many times it happens that the personal or intrapsychic conflict of one of the members is damaging or hindering the relationship. Although both attend therapy, it is common for them to be cited separately in order to solve personal problems. Likewise, in the joint sessions, priority is given to respecting the needs of the other, the identification of the problem is encouraged, and the search for solutions to address it and emerge stronger once we have overcome it.

Importantly, most couples who come to consultation hold the idea that it is worth finding the solution and fighting for the relationship.